While I'm Waiting, Part 1
Life's been looking a little different than I anticipated...
Valentine’s Day is peeking from around the corner and I can feel it staring me down. Now usually, I’d be more than happy to write about and reflect on one of my favourite things in the whole world: love. There’s really no better time to talk about love and write about love, leading up to the very day when everyone celebrates love. But…I’ve been staring at a blank screen for an embarrassingly long time and I think it’s time to admit that my heart’s not in it. The words aren’t forming and I feel like I just don’t have that much to say right now. I don’t want to talk about the beauty and the joy of love when I feel so…blah.
Over the past couple of weeks, life has looked a lot different than I was expecting. As part of my university program, I am expected to complete four co-op/intern work terms (well, three because of Covid). This semester, I was excited about the opportunity to work within Employment and Social Development Canada, and so I began planning for what I thought would be one of the busiest semesters of my university career. I was going to be working and volunteering as a Psychology Research Assistant, as a Peer Support Volunteer, and as a Community Volunteer and Mentor for a Waterloo NGO. Busy. That’s how I was supposed to describe my life. I anticipated having to struggle to fit in time at church, time planning for post-grad, and time with friends and family, etc. However, until I obtain necessary security clearance I cannot actually start working, and the process is taking a little bit longer than expected. Additionally, because of Covid restrictions and other factors, my volunteer responsibilities have looked very different than I anticipated. Oh, and I also felt led to delete my social media and stop watching Netflix/TV Shows/binge-watching Youtube Videos for a month. So basically, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve had quite a bit of time on my hands.
Living in Limbo
Take away school, take away work, take away money, take away social media and entertainment, and…what do you have left?
Some of you can answer with something profound, and solid, and beautiful, and that’s great (no, really, I couldn’t be happier for you). I just can’t say that was my initial experience. I started to cringe when I would see people looking at their watch, knowing I had nowhere to be. I would remember the times I complained about how busy I was knowing I secretly loved it. And I would scold myself for complaining at all when this was someone’s dream. In fact, oftentimes when I would explain my situation to others they would listen with a little longing in their eyes. I could imagine them thinking, “she’s complaining because she gets to rest?? I would love to have a little more time to do nothing. How ungrateful can one be”. So I tried. To be grateful, to be optimistic, and to actually rest.
Some days, I succeed. I visit/talk to friends, spend time reading books and building skills, planning for my next couple of semesters in school, and I spend a lot of time just me and God. But every morning I wake up feeling just a little…blah. A little “meh”, if you’d like. Before I get out of bed, before I even open my eyes, I let myself imagine. I imagine that I’ll receive the email: Good morning Rachel, your security clearance has come through and you start tomorrow. I imagine and I imagine hard. I squeeze my eyes shut to make it so, and whisper a little prayer before I force myself out of bed. But there is no new email telling me that I can start working and I’m still stuck in a period of waiting.
Something’s Got to Go
What am I supposed to be doing while I’m waiting? Not to be dramatic…but what’s the point? Why can’t I just lie in bed until I get the email? Also, what does rest really even mean? Am I a machine that’s meant to be productive at all times, in all seasons? I have hopes, dreams, goals, and expectations of myself and I won’t accomplish any of them unless I keep moving — unless I’m productive — right?
Here’s the thing: you all probably know that I’ve been asking God to help me become more disciplined and consistent. He’s heard me complain about how fast-paced life is and how I need to quickly develop the skills necessary to excel in my responsibilities. Problem is, oftentimes there’s nothing quick about God’s plans. He prefers a slow and steady approach. A way of pruning and removing; using sacrifice and struggle to develop character and perseverance. Honestly, I would’ve preferred it if He went about this in a different way, but I do clearly understand that in some ways what I’m experiencing is an answer to my prayers. You’ve heard the saying: be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. I got it… and I really don’t want to waste it. I got it, and now I get to build a foundation from the ground up; build a routine from the ground up.
All this time, I’ve spent trying to add this and add that— thinking I just need more. I try to push myself harder, keep moving, keep going, but sometimes, the quickest way to get to where you want to go is to turn around and begin again. To start new, from the ground up. To take away all the distractions and the add-ons; those things which you think are so important, and that which you believe you would die without. Take it all away, and what’s left?
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I still have so much to say, so much I’m learning, but this is getting a little too long. So hopefully, you all want to hear more next week; but at the end of the day, I cannot begin to describe how helpful the process of writing these newsletters is for me personally. I write what is real and what I am experiencing, nothing more, and hopefully, nothing less.
Already looking forward to next time!
Rae
Rae’s Resources: Here’s a TED talk I watched recently that touches on navigating your day when you feel uninspired and aimless. Adam Grant is an organizational psychologist that breaks down the key indicators of what he calls languishing and presents three ways to escape that “meh” feeling so you can begin to find your flow. I’ve attached the link to the TED talk below!
https://www.ted.com/talks/adam_grant_how_to_stop_languishing_and_start_finding_flow
Before you go! I’m off of social media for the next month or so, and so I need your help. If you enjoyed reading this, if it brought you any value, or if you think it would be of value to others then please share! I’m believing that though I may not be able to post about it on Instagram, Twitter, etc., this will still reach exactly who it was meant to.
While you are waiting , you’re getting stronger. Beautiful post Rachel as always <3
So therapeutic, I love reading your posts! It's like I am there in the room with you :)